Mordessa Diary Entry One

*Author's note: This entry takes place roughly during chapters 3 & 4.*

Hello Book. I guess that's how you're supposed to start this. The Queen suggested I pour my thoughts and feelings into these pages now that Araos is gone. Maybe that's her way of saying this will make you feel better, but I'm not sure I see the point to this exercise. Here goes.

I am utterly torn between two men. On one hand, there's Vagant, whom I've gotten closer to over the years, especially recently. I have feelings for him, but he's told me we dare not pursue an actual relationship, nor could we ever marry due to his station in relation to mine. If we do pursue it, then apparently we'll be torn apart at some point, and really, what's the point if you can never marry? The political system and it's protocols seem a sham to me. If you care for someone, why can't you display your affections regardless of where you were born?

Then there's Araos, whom I've adored since we were children. I admit he was my first crush, but the feelings have matured over the years. Although, ever since our village was attacked he's been different. I cannot deny I care for him and yet there's no way of telling if he feels the same without him speaking so. The boy that grew into a man has become so stoic that I don't know if he'll ever recover. I told him I loved him, and while there is truth in this, the regret hangs around my neck.

A woman cannot love two men, no more than a man can love two women. So what is wrong with me? I feel like I'm caught between two have nots. Vagant is brash, outgoing, kind, and yet unattainable. Araos is more level headed, strong, thoughtful, and yet he is a statue. I wish Mother were here because there's no one to council me on these matters at the castle. You would think Queen Catherine would fulfill that role given she is my foster mother, but I don't see a mother when I look into her eyes. She looks at me as a responsibility, though there's no hate or disdain. And so, I cannot say the woman loves me. King Sebastion treats me as a daughter, and evidently loves me as such. But I cannot talk to him about boys. It doesn't seem right.

Okay Book, that's enough for now. I need to resume my studies.